Polished Boogers - set of eight

You know what you need? You need a jar of polished boogers! I am selling these rare treats in a complete set of eight.

Polished Boogers: Carefully hand-picked bogies that have been polished to perfection using the ancient technique of rolling them vigorously under the sweaty armpit of an hirsute man. Once polished to a light sheen they are then left to harden naturally in a musty hot-water cupboard. After a few months they are then gathered up and placed in jars. Now this rare delicacy is being offered to you. Don't snooze or you will lose - order yours today!

Maybe Polished Boogers aren't your thing. No worries, I also happen to have Hedgehog Testicles on offer. You may think gathering hedgehog testes would be easy but I can assure you it is not. It takes a village to raise a child (so they say) and it also takes a village to teach that child all the skills of a Hedgehog Wrangler. Once the village-raised-child has grown to become a young man or woman and passed the grueling examinations, they are then skilled enough to perform the delicate operation of testicle harvesting. This is a gruesome affair with much swearing and gnashing of teeth and crying. All done so that you can enjoy a wee nibble of nuts after dinner.

But wait there is more. The now highly trained Hedgehog Wranglers have some spare time in the evenings and weekends and often spend it removing the pancreas from Pukeko's. They do this simply for a laugh and a chance to show off in front of members of the opposite sex. It so happens that Preserved Pukeko Pancreas tastes delicious and also a bit like licorice, so I have put some in a jar just for you.

Pickled Pimples: Who can resist the unique taste of pickled pimples? These pustules of joy have been lovingly scraped off the bathroom mirrors of teenagers throughout the country and placed in tepid vinegar to mature. The finest of these bodily ejections are then hand-rolled into a nugget with the help of earwax and belly-button fluff. The result is a bite-sized delicacy with a crusty exterior and jelly like centre.

Sun-Dried Blood Clots: These clots have been left to harden naturally in the Hawke’s Bay sun. Once they are firm enough to handle they are given a spit-shine by a homeless drifter, who may or may not be entirely clean. They are then stored in an old sock for a season to mature properly and absorb a balance of flavours.

Intestinal Worms: The finest selection of hand-picked intestinal worms money can buy. These plucky peristaltic parasites are pure bliss on the palatte. Only the plumpest worms are chosen from the incubational warmth of the lower intestine. These worms have been raised on a high-fibre diet and plenty of life-giving nutrients. Kept at a constant body temperature and in a moist environment, they have been allowed to grow naturally. Once selected they have been par-boiled in the finest sputum and then quickly chilled to remain tender.

Smurf Pellets: You never see Smurfs defecating. That’s because they are so shy and secretive about it. They go to great lengths to conceal their toilet habits, making sure no one sees them and hiding their droppings out of sight. A Smurf poo starts out rather squishy, through the process of concealing their fecal matter the blue goo is hardened, rolled and polished. Then left to dry high up amongst the tree canopy. Packed carefully into this glass vessel is the product of hours of meticulous Smurf observation and field work, not to mention danger.

Hands up who wants Genital Warts? They’re contagious! Face it no one can resist the tangy crunch of eating genital warts. This jar of joy contains the finest selection of warts found down under. From the moment you roll the first wart around on your tongue you will be hooked. Your mouth will slaver with frothy goodness as you bite tenderly into the gooey centre. Have one nibble and pretty soon you will find your mouth full of the sweet nuggets of love. They are so good you will be sure to want to share them with your special friends.

Note: They may contain traces of jellybeans.