Jars of Joy - set of five

This set of five jars contains Polished Boogers, Pickled Pimples, Smurf Pellets, Intestinal Worms and Preserved Pukeko Pancreas.

Polished Boogers: Carefully hand-picked bogies that have been polished to perfection using the ancient technique of rolling them vigorously under the sweaty armpit of an hirsute man. Once polished to a light sheen they are then left to harden naturally in a musty hot-water cupboard. After a few months they are then gathered up and placed in jars. Now this rare delicacy is being offered to you. Don't snooze or you will lose - order yours today!

Pukekeo Pancreas: Highly trained Hedgehog Wranglers (see Hedgehog Testicles in other sets) have some spare time in the evenings and weekends and often spend it removing the pancreas from Pukeko's. They do this simply for a laugh and a chance to show off in front of members of the opposite sex. It so happens that Preserved Pukeko Pancreas tastes delicious and also a bit like licorice, so I have put some in a jar just for you.

Pickled Pimples: Who can resist the unique taste of pickled pimples? These pustules of joy have been lovingly scraped off the bathroom mirrors of teenagers throughout the country and placed in tepid vinegar to mature. The finest of these bodily ejections are then hand-rolled into a nugget with the help of earwax and belly-button fluff. The result is a bite-sized delicacy with a crusty exterior and jelly like centre.

Smurf Pellets: You never see Smurfs defecating. That’s because they are so shy and secretive about it. They go to great lengths to conceal their toilet habits, making sure no one sees them and hiding their droppings out of sight. A Smurf poo starts out rather squishy, through the process of concealing their fecal matter the blue goo is hardened, rolled and polished. Then left to dry high up amongst the tree canopy. Packed carefully into this glass vessel is the product of hours of meticulous Smurf observation and field work, not to mention danger.

Intestinal Worms: The finest selection of hand-picked intestinal worms money can buy. These plucky peristaltic parasites are pure bliss on the palatte. Only the plumpest worms are chosen from the incubational warmth of the lower intestine. These worms have been raised on a high-fibre diet and plenty of life-giving nutrients. Kept at a constant body temperature and in a moist environment, they have been allowed to grow naturally. Once selected they have been par-boiled in the finest sputum and then quickly chilled to remain tender.

Other flavours available in different set quantities (see Fat-Spatula store): Hedgehog Testicles, Sun-Dried Blood Clots, and Genital Warts.

Note: They may contain traces of jellybeans.